Blind Date
by N.V.9
Summary: Tired of feeling lonely? Want to find your other half? Then ask your best friend Sai! COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**1**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

"Sai, I need your help!" Naruto yelled running into his roommate's room. Both had become instant friends ever since they entered college two years ago. The first time they met they had sized each other up. Sai had insulted Naruto, Naruto insulted him back. They fought and then they lay side by side as they ended up on the floor, laughing at the mess they had created. Memories.

"What is it this time?" Sai asked from his position on the bed as he read yet another book about something or other on what made humans, well, humans.

"Why are you reading that crap again? You can't learn about humans if you just read about them." Naruto said, grabbing the book and tossing it on Sai's desk.

Sai glared at the book that landed with a thump. "I was reading."

"You're always reading, now can you help me or not?" Naruto asked sitting on Sai's bed.

"What exactly do you need help with?" Sai asked sitting up and scooting back until he touched the wall. "This better not be a prank gone wrong." Sai warned. He'd still cringed at the money he had to pay as a favor for Naruto, when the blonde thought it would be funny to blow up the science lab with a stink bomb, feathers, superglue and glitter. Needless to say it was bad. Who knew cleaning all off that stuff up would cost a lot.

"No, I have been prank free for two whole days."

"Going cold turkey still?"

"Yes, it's so hard." Naruto whined.

"What do you need then?" Sai asked getting the blonde on track again.

"I can't find a date." Naruto said seriously nodding his head.

"A date?" Sai blinked, thinking he heard wrong.

"Yes. I'm tired of being lonely." Naruto pouted and crossed his arms.

"What happened to what's her name?" Sai asked already knowing the name of the girl Naruto was dating or apparently dated for a few weeks.

"You mean Fuuka? She got too clingy. She wanted me with her all the time! She called me and stalked me everywhere!" Naruto said throwing his hands up in the air, "She scared away my Sensei because she thought he was hitting on me! Now he won't even teach me anymore."

"I told you she was weird." Sai said grinning a natural grin. Only Naruto could make him feel human. He was the best friend that Sai didn't know he needed until he met the loudmouth blonde.

"I know, why don't I ever listen to you?" Naruto asked perplexed.

"Maybe it's because you have to go against everything I say just to try and prove me wrong." Sai said patting the blondes shoulder as he flopped over on the bed.

"Can you help me?"

"Why do you need a date?" Sai asked trying to figure out what was coming up, did he miss a holiday? Looking toward his calendar he saw that no holiday of importance was popping up.

"Because I see all of these people walking around campus, deeply in love and I'm so jealous!" Naruto said turning over until he was on his back.

"So what do you need from me?" Sai asked.

"I can't find one on my own! I need you to find me one. You know normal people! I know… well, I know people that want to jump me every chance they get."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Sai asked moving Naruto so that he could stand up.

"They don't all want to jump me because I'm hot. Some of them want to jump me because I insult them." Naruto said laughing.

"Then don't insult them." Sai said rolling his eyes.

"I never used to. Then I met you and you rubbed off on me." Naruto accused.

"So you're going to blame me for your lack of manners?" Sai asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, that about sums it up." Naruto said standing and following Sai to the small kitchen. "So will you help me?"

"I can't promise you anything good." opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.

"I'll take whatever I can get." Naruto squealed, practically bouncing in place.

"Okay, I'll see what I can do." Sai turned to the happy blond. Naruto yelped in happiness and jumped at the pale raven. Sai, not expecting this, ended up dropping all of his precious water.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." Naruto yelled happily. "When do we start?"

Sai looked on at the mess Naruto had made. His bottle of expensive water, wasted.

"Sai?" Naruto asked when no reply came. "It's just water, I'll get you another one."

"But I was going to drink that." Sai said dully.

"There's more in there." Naruto huffed.

"But-"

"Sai focus!" Naruto snapped his fingers.

"What?" Sai said stupidly.

"Where the heck did your brain go?" Naruto groaned in annoyance. Why does Sai never pay attention to him? "Never mind, so when do the dates start?"

"Um, next Friday. I guess." Sai tried to forget about his lovely water. "Give me time to set something up."

"Okay." Naruto grinned like an idiot.

"I'll give you the times later." Sai sighed, grabbing the mop from beside the fridge, he set to work.

"You're the best Sai, someday, I'm going to repay you for this." Naruto yelled skipping out of the room.

"Repay me now and go buy me more of my water!" Sai yelled.

"But my show is-"

"Naruto." Sai glared as the blonde's head poked around the corner.

"Fine, but you better tell me what happened." Naruto pouted.

"Whatever."

"Okay be back in ten." Naruto said and left.

"Why do I do this to myself?" Sai wondered putting the mop away. "Now I have to find people, _willingly_, for Naruto to date. I wonder if I'm going to lose my connections to certain places?" Sai thought heading for his computer to look up acquaintances.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

"Okay Sai," Naruto said coming out of his room in a suit, "How do I look?" he asked turning in a circle.

"Is that my suit?" Sai asked looking up from the TV.

"Yep, hope you don't mind. I don't have anything fancy to wear." Naruto grinned. "It's a little tight but it still looks good, right?"

"It's never going to fit the same." Sai said sulking. Why did Naruto bring out very un-Sai like things from him?

"That doesn't matter. Do I look good or not?" Naruto asked posing.

"You… look… fine…" Sai tried not to scream, he really did. That was his favorite suit.

"Can I borrow a tie, or is that a bit much?" Naruto asked rubbing his chin and scrunching up his face.

"You are not borrowing my ties!" Sai dared the blonde to contradict him.

"Fine, gees Sai you're mean!" Naruto jumped, then pouted.

"Do you even know where you're going?" Sai asked squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"You sound funny." Naruto giggled. "Say something else."

"Naruto…." taking a breath, he reminded himself that Naruto was his best friend. BEST friend. This boy could make a saint insane.

"Um, what was the question?" at Sai's glare he grinned, "Kidding, Sai chill out. I know where I'm going."

"Okay, where?"

"To the Greenery Forest." Naruto answered, "Why did you pick that place? It's so expensive. I can barley afford breathing their air!"

"Think of this as payback." Sai smirked.

"Is this about the water, because if it is, I have an explanation." Naruto said sweating.

"Don't sweat, you're going to ruin my suit." Sai warned. "And the water thing, totally forgotten."

"Really?" Naruto asked hopeful.

"No. Not only did you not buy MY water, you brought me chocolate milk! How does water turn into chocolate milk!"

"I forgot what I was going to get!" Naruto defended himself. "I panicked!"

"Then you come home and drop all of my water! How do you spill closed water bottles!"

"It was a freak accident." Naruto moved quickly to the door. "Okay, gotta go, don't want to be late for my date."

Sai slumped in the couch and sighed. "Lets hope Naruto doesn't screw this up."

. .B. .D. .

"So are you okay now?" Naruto asked the blushing brunette across from him. This date was one for the records. First he showed up all nice and handsome. He was a show stopper. People were turning and watching him. Probably mind raping him or something.

Wondering which was his date he looked for a woman all alone. He knew he forgot to ask Sai something.

He asked three different woman if they were expecting a blind date or if they knew Sai. Each just glared at him and told him to get lost. One even threatened to get her boyfriend to beat him up if he didn't leave her alone. What the heck was up with that? They should have been happy just because he talked to them! But no, they were the exact opposite. Maybe they were just jealous because he wasn't their date. Yep that had to be it.

Anyways, the fourth girl he had come up to was sitting in a blue elegant dress by the window. She was very beautiful as she gazed at the night sky. Praying it was her he walked up to her and tapped her shoulder. Before he could even get a word out she fainted. Fainted!

Who does that on a date!

Just because he was hot doesn't mean they can faint on him!

"I-I'm f-fine." She stuttered poking two fingers together and not meeting his eyes.

Great she couldn't even look at him. He didn't know what color her eyes were, for peoples sakes!

"Are you sure? You look red. Maybe you hit your head when you fell." Naruto reached over to touch her forehead, "You're getting warmer."

The girl 'ep' and fainted again.

You got to be kidding me!

"Sir are you ready to order?" a waiter asked coming up to him.

"Does she look like she's ready?" Naruto asked looking around the table to see the girl flat on her back with a big smile on her face.

"I'm not sure, shall you order for her?" the waiter asked bored.

"I don't know what she likes. What if she's allergic or something?" Naruto said standing up and putting his date back in her chair.

"Shall I come back?"

"No help me wake her up."

"Okay." The waiter said and pulled a blow horn out of no where.

"AH!" the girl screamed as people glared over.

"She's awake." the waiter said now with a note book. "Miss what shall I get for you?"

"I-I w-ant a…."

"Soup. Give us both soup." Naruto said. If she was going to take forever to order he might as well get them something. This place was slowly robbing him of every cent he had.

"Okay." the waiter said and took off.

"Let's start over." Naruto said grinning again. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, I'm a friend of Sai's, and currently in college going for a major in a lot of stuff. So far I haven't completed any one of them."

"I-I am H-H-Hina-ta H-H-Hyuu-ga. I a-also am a f-fr-friend of Sai. I am a-also in co-college and cu-curren-tly st-studing hi-history." Hinata finished never once looking up.

Naruto nodded trying to stay awake. Note to self; ask her yes or no questions.

"Okay." Naruto said and paused as the $30 soups were placed in front of them. Goodbye video game I can't buy now. Enjoy your life with someone not deserving of you. Remember me as the boy that wanted, but couldn't have, you.

"So you like movies?" Naruto said trying to think of something to say that didn't involve a long explanation.

"Y-yes." Hinata said playing with her soup. She's not going to eat? I'm paying $30 for her to play with it!

"Here try some." Naruto said pulling her spoon out of her hand and forcing soup in her mouth. "Good right?"

Hinata made another eping noise and fainted again right into her soup.

"This was fun." Naruto said moving her head to the side of the bowl. "But I don't see us going anywhere. Check please." He called out.

"Here you are sir, shall you need assistance with your sweetheart?" the waiter asked.

"Um, I don't even know her." Naruto said giving him the money and standing up. "I'm sure she has her address in her purse though."

"Sir, my tip?" the waiter said holding out a hand as Naruto moved away.

"Tip…oh yeah, I'm sure she won't mind." he said walking back and picking up her purse. "Here you are." he said handing the waiter a twenty. Getting a napkin he wrote, 'Sai owes you twenty bucks'.

"Thank you sir. Have a good night."

"It can't get worse, can it?" Naruto said taking off.

. .B. .D. .

"So how did your date go?" Sai asked as Naruto came in an hour later.

"I don't know." Naruto said taking off the suit as he made his way to his room. "She kept fainting on me."

"She fainted?" Sai asked leaning against the doorframe as Naruto went into the bathroom and came back out in sweats and no shirt.

"Yeah, right in the soup." Naruto pouted. "Apparently she couldn't handle my manliness."

Sai snorted and took back his suit. "Right, well don't worry about it, you have another one tomorrow. You're meeting for lunch."

"Okay." Naruto said starting to close his door as Sai left, "Oh yeah, you owe Hinata twenty bucks. I had to tip the waiter."

Sai blinked at the closed door….. "I WHAT!"


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

"Okay so where am I meeting this guy?" Naruto asked once again coming out to Sai watching T.V. did the guy have no life?

"Naruto, what are you wearing?"

"You said it was casual." Naruto said running a hand down his shirt.

"Yes casual, not pajama casual, go change." Sai said already fixing himself up for a fight. If Naruto didn't get his way, there could be yelling and possibly deaf ears the next day. Last time he fought with Naruto Sai almost died! Yes died, not only did he lose hearing but Naruto jumped him and beat him with a pillow. Now normally a pillow fight was okay and not dangerous, well that is unless you have a soaking pillow slamming into your brain. He was surprised he could still remember his name.

"But it's casual, you can't get more casual then this!" Naruto said gesturing to himself.

"Your hair isn't even combed!" Sai glared.

"Are you glaring?" Naruto asked out of the blue.

"Of course I'm glaring! Why wouldn't I be glaring?" Sai demanded.

"Because you look childish. You know you need to practice in the mirror. What are you trying to scare? My slippers?" Naruto asked lifting his bunny slippers.

"Naruto, if you want my help, you will do as I say."

"Fine, I'll go change." Naruto pouted giving up the fight. He didn't really want to fight anyway. He just enjoyed pulling Sai's chain.

Five minutes later Naruto came out in khakis shorts and a plain white t-shirt. His hair was still going everywhere but it didn't look like bed hair. On his feet he wore black flip-flops.

"Better?" Naruto asked doing a turn.

"Yes. Now get going, I'm missing my show." Sai said waving him away.

"Yes sir… oh yeah what's this person name and what do they look like?"

"Shikamaru. Brown hair always pulled up, and you'll know him when you see him." Sai said. Naruto nodded and walked out. Repeating the name over and over in his head.

. .B. .D. .

"So you must be Shikamaru?" Naruto asked grinning as he took a seat. "I should have told Sai to give me more details. I mean, there is like three other guys wearing their hair up, but one of them is a worker, another is with a girl and the third guy is actually a girl." Naruto waited for the guy to say something. All he did was stare blankly at the street. His chin resting on one hand while the other hand rested on the table.

"Not a talker, that's okay, I love talking… well not yesterday, I hated it then. The date I went on, well she wasn't exactly my type." still no change. "So what would you like to eat?"

"Okay, I guess, you don't care. I'll go ahead and get us something. Be right back." Naruto said jumping up and taking off. Five minutes later he was back with two brownies and two cups of coffee. "Here we are." placing one in front of the unmoving guy he ate his own. "So I'm Naruto…." and on and on he went just talking about random things. Finally twenty minutes passed and Naruto was out of things to talk about. Shikamaru still hadn't moved. Maybe he was dead…. Naruto froze at the thought. He didn't do good around dead things.

Should he call the police… No if he did they'd think he did it. If he didn't call them, this guy could rot away right here… No the workers here would see him.

"Sir are you all done here?" a worker asked from his right. Naruto looked up and blinked.

"Didn't I see you yesterday?"

"Yes… oh and your date made it home safely. She woke up minutes after you left and took off. Sad thing, all depressed."

"Well that… ..sucks." Naruto said, "How long have you worked here?"

"I just started this morning. Now sir the lunch hour is almost over and we need to start preparing for the dinner hour." the waiter sounded as if he was still bored out of his mind and was finding it hard just to remember to say 'sir'.

"Oh, okay." Naruto stood and said good-bye.

The waiter watched the blonde disappear from view. Turning to the other person at the table the waiter snapped his fingers. Nothing. "Sir, we really must start cleaning." still nothing. Was he dead? "Sir you left me no choice." picking up the cup of cold coffee, the waiter dumped it on the man's head. The man blinked lazily at him.

"It's time for you to go sir."

"I'm waiting for my date."

"Sir your date is long gone."

"What?"

"Yes, he came and left only a minute ago… You were here." the waiter looked at him confused.

Shikamaru blinked and stretched. He did it again. Fell asleep with his eyes opened. Great.. Getting up he picked up the brownie in front of him and left. It was a wonder he was single.

. .B. .D. .

"So did Shikamaru meet your standards?" Sai asked coming out of his room at the sound of Naruto entering their apartment.

"No… he didn't say anything. Heck he didn't do anything. Sai, I had a longer conversation with the waiter then I did him." Naruto pouted. "He was cute, but he lacked talking skills. I think he might have been dead!"

Sai blinked. Did he hear Naruto right? "Dead?"

"Yeah it was freaky… He never moved for the whole time I was there!" Naruto shuttered.

"If he was dead, why did you leave him there?" Sai asked trying to process this.

"Because I wasn't going down for a dead guy I didn't kill! He's on his own. The café people could take care of him. I'm going to bed. That man left me exhausted. I don't think I can talk anymore more." Naruto's voice faded as he closed the door to his room.

Sai quickly ran to his phone and texted Shikamaru. 'What happened?'

'I fell asleep.' Shikamaru texted back, a second later. 'Never even met my date.'

'Well your date thinks you're dead.'

'…'

That was Sai's thoughts exactly.


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Naruto, I know the last two dates-"

"Sucked?"

"Were not what you were looking for," Sai went on as if Naruto wasn't pouting at him, "But this time I think I may have found your perfect match."

"Really?" Naruto asked hopefully jumping in his seat, then he frowned, "She isn't going to die on me is she?"

"No!" Sai groaned again, "I told you Shikamaru didn't die he was asleep."

"He didn't move for like ever!" Naruto protested, "She won't faint?"

"NO! She won't faint. She won't be dead. She won't be anything like your previous dates."

"Really?" Naruto looked at him suspeciously.

"Yes now stop glaring you're going to get wrinkles," Sai scolded, "Now where was I, oh yes, she's a little older then you but she may be what you are looking for."

"Really?" Naruto's eyes glowed as he was unable to contain his excitment. Maybe Sai found his soulmate! Or... Well, there was nothing else he wanted, maybe dinner he was hungry.

"Yes, now all you have to do is meet her at P.U.B's." Sai said making Naruto stand so he could smooth down his t-shirt. Let's hope Naruto doesn't get him fired. Maybe it was a bad idea to set him up with his boss...

"P.U.B's? What is that?" Naruto asked looking over his shoulder as Sai pushed him out the door.

"I don't know, it's where she told me to tell you she'd meet you, now get before you're late." Sai said finally getting him out of the house and shutting the door. "Maybe I should just quit my job." he was most likely going to get fired later anyway.

. .B. .D. .

Naruto finally found P.U.B's after hours of searching and calling around. Turned out P.U.B's was a bar in the middle of nowhere. Why would his date want to meet here? Shrugging his shoulders he took a breath and opened the door. Then he took another breath and closed the door quickly at the smell.

"Yuck! Something died in there!" He screamed covering his nose, "OMG maybe it's Shikamaru's body decomposing!" should he run?

"Are you going in?" someone asked from behind him.

Naruto jumped and turned around, "YOU!" he yelled pointing to a well known face of the waiter from his two previous dates.

"Hello to you to." the waiter said sarcastically.

"What are you doing here? Are you following me?" Naruto asked watching him with panic.

"Why would I follow you?" the waiter asked annoyed.

"Well I've seen you on every date that I went on." Naruto said calmly.

"You've only went on two dates." The waiter said.  
"So you are following me!" Naruto screeched and started jumping around in a cirlce.

"I'm not following you!" the waiter growled. "I work here! Can't you see the garbage can?"

Naruto blinked and noticed the bright green garbage can in the waiter's hand.

"How many jobs do you have?"

"Just this one. Turns out you can't have a blow horn in a fancy restraunt or throw coffee on customers." The waiter said with a who knew expression.

"What? I thought the blow horn was a nice touch." Naruto said with sympathy.

"So did I, turns out they didn't." the waiter said, "Now if you excuse me, I have to take this back in. There is a lady puking her guts out all over the place."  
"EW!" Naruto looked at the door. "I have a date in there."

"I would run if I was you, the only person in there is an old woman who _insist_ she's twenty." the waiter warned opening the door and plugging his nose.  
Naruto following his lead, walked in and felt himself go green. In the center of the room on a pool table was a blonde woman with pigtails. Boobs bigger then the moon popping out of her too tight shirt and wrinkles everywhere. In one hand was a big bottle of some drink or another with it's twin in the other hand.

"You Nar'o?" She said slurring her words as she spotted him. Naruto nodded but said nothing. "I'm Tsu'de, I'm your date!" she giggled trying to get off the pool table and landing on her face. "M'kay." she said twice standing on wobbly legs. "All's 'ood."

Straighting up, she flipped her hair over her head and punched herself in the jaw at the same time. "Who did dat!" she screamed looking around and glaring at a pole with a beer sign on it. "It's you, I'll show you!" she said and began punching the pole.

"I quit!" the waiter said to the bartender, "I am not getting paid enough to clean up after drunk old ladies who have the strenght of ten men." with that, the waiter took off his apron and threw it at the floor.

Naruto watched all of this in shock before he realized Tsunade was turning her eyes on him, "Did you call me old?" She asked with scary eyes. Naruto gulped and ran.

Jumping in his car he dialed Sai.

"Hello?"

"Are you trying to get me killed! I can't date that!"

"What? Calm down I can't understand you." Sai said.

"She is old! Not a few years old, but old, as in old enough to be my grandmother three times over. She stunk up the bar and attacked a pole!"

"So... You're not going to see her again?" Sai asked finally.

"NO!" Naruto screamed and hung up.

Sai stared down at the quiet phone. Two second later it rang again. "Hello?" he said.  
"Sai, my date left me." Tsunade said crying into the phone.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yes." She said and cried some more, "I got into a fight too!"

"Was it with a pole?" Sai asked rubbing a hand over his eyes.  
"I don't know!" she sobbed. "Can't you see I'm on the phone!" Sai heard her scream at someone. "NO! I will not put my hands behind my back! Oh yeah? Well, I got a badge too!" a sound of a shuffle later and the phone hung up.

Sai looked down at his phone again with shock. His boss just got arrested. He was so fired... Wait, no he wasn't, he didn't have anything to do with this. He was an innocent bystander.

Twenty minutes later Naruto showed up. "I hate you!" he yelled stomping to his room and slamming the door. Two seconds later he opened it and yelled, "I'm hungry!"

Slam.

Open.

"You owe me dinner!"

Slam.

Open.

"It better be good to!"

Slam.

Open.

"Oh and I want soda with that to!"

Slam.

Open.

"Please and thank you!"

Slam.

Sai waited for the door to open but it never did. "What did I get myself in to?" he asked himself turning toward the kitchen to make Naruto his favorite ramen. He owed him for this date. Heck, this date made up for all of his water all over the floor and then some.


	5. Chapter 5

**5**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Sai, you promise nothing bad is going to happen?" Naruto asked as he put on his flip flops.

"Yes. This is nothing like the other three times." Sai said grimacing. How could he do that to Naruto? His boss, thank the aboves, didn't fire him. She didn't even remember the night or agreeing to go out with his friend. She only remembered waking up in a cell with her knuckles all full of splinters.

"You said that about the last one." Naruto said shivering as he remembered that night.

"And was I wrong?" Sai asked trying to seem smarter then he was. Well, if you looked at it, Tsuande was nothing like the first two. In fact, she was on a whole other planet all by herself.

"Does it matter?" Naruto sighed looking at the door, biting his lip, "You'll come if I need you?"

"Yes, Naruto nothing's going to happen. You're in a public place with a lot of people. It's a park." Sai said again. "What can happen in a park?"

"You're right." Naruto grinned. "Nothing can happen at a park because there are a bunch of mothers with children, mothers willing to die to protect them. Okay, bye Sai, I'll see you later."

Sai watched Naruto walk out the door with hands in his pockets and trying to whistle. "I hope he doesn't kill me." he muttered thinking about Naruto's date.

. .B. .D. .

Okay, Naruto thought to himself, if I was a date where would I be? Here! He added giggling in his head. Looking around, he tried to pin point his date. Sai had said this wasn't his date's usual hangout so he should stand out. Now who stood out?

"Another date?" Someone asked from his right.

"What are you doing here? There's no buildings!" Naruto said looking for where this waiter could be working now.

"I'm exercising." the waiter said huffing.

"Really? Why?" Naruto asked watching the waiter run in place.

"Because I can. I'm thinking to."  
"About?"

"Where I should go work next. The lady at the bar..." He shivered as if remembering all of that wrinkly skin hanging out of everywhere.

"Tell me about it. I slept with the lights on." Naruto said trying to erase his nightmare.

"Lights ha! I didn't sleep at all! I was afraid to close my eyes and see it all."

"Do you have a name?" Naruto asked suddenly, "I mean, I can't keep calling you 'waiter'."

"Waiter will do if you like, I can care less about names." Waiter said.

"Well can I know your name?" Naruto asked pouting.

"If you can guess it. Don't you have a date?" Waiter asked before running off.

"Oh yeah. THANKS!" Naruto yelled waving good bye. "Man, he's so nice."

"And you're loud." a scary voice said from behind him. Naruto jumped and turned around as his body automatically came up in a terrible karate stance.

"Who are you?" Naruto asked falling over when he lost his balance. "Are you a killer?" because seriously he looked like a killer. He had dark circles around his eyes and his eyebrows were gone. His clothes looked scary and his red hair looked like blood. Maybe it was blood! But who's? Then that tattoo, what did it say? Killer! It had to be Killer!

"Put down your hands." the guy said narrowing his eyes.

"Or what you're going to kill me?" Naruto asked doing as he was told. No point in wasting his non fight skills on this guy.

"If I have to." the guy said not realizing he said the wrong thing.

Naruto's eyes opened wide as his mouth fell open. He must have looked like a fish with the noises he was making through his open mouth. Taking a few steps back, Naruto let his survial insticts kick in.

"Are you okay?" the guy asked moving toward him.

"Stay back!" Naruto yelled running backwards, "Don't touch me!"

"What? Naruto I'm your-"  
"How did you know my name!" Naruto gasped in shock.

"Because I'm your-"  
"Stalker!"

"What? No, I'm Gaara, your-"  
"HELP! HE WANTS TO KIDNAP YOUR KIDS!" Naruto yelled becasue surely that was the reason that guy was here. Like one every mother in the park turned their heads their way with a preditory gleam in their eyes before they all charged as one tackling the red head.

Naruto cheered them on as he dialed Sai to tell him he saved a bunch of kids.

"Naruto how is your date going?" Sai asked.

"I don't know, it hasn't happened yet, he didn't show." Naruto said, "Guess what I did."

"What did you do? What is that yelling in the background?"

"Oh, that's just a kidnapper getting beaten up by mothers. I saved the kids!" Naruto smiled happily watching the red head try to escape only to be tackled again. Angry mothers were scary.

"Kidnapper?" Sai asked, shocked.

"Yeah, he came out of no where and was just watching me. He was scary looking!" Naruto said dramatically. "I thought he was a stalker but then I realize he had to be here looking for a kid to kidnap or something."

"Naruto, please tell me he doesn't have red hair." Sai said thinking of how Gaara looked. If you just met him he looked kind of dangerous.

"Yeah how did you know? Was he on the news?" Naruto said getting exicted, "I caught a kidnapper that was on the news!"

"Naruto!" Sai screamed trying to get the idiot's attention.

"Yeah?" Naruto said thinking of the awards he was going to get.

"He's not a kidnapper!"

"He's not? Are you sure?" Naruto asked watching the red head escape and run for his life the whole time screaming he wasn't a kidnapper.

"NO!" Sai yelled, "Naruto you IDIOT! He's your date!"

Naruto blinked and blinked again. "My date?"

"YES!" Sai screamed, "You just got your date beaten up by moms!"

"Oh... No wonder he knew my name." Naruto said smacking his head then flinched at Sai's screeching. When Sai finally ran out of breath, Naruto said, "So I guess this date is a no go?"

Sai growled and hung up.

"Sai? Hello? Sai?" Naruto looked down at his phone. Whoops.


	6. Chapter 6

**6**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Come on Sai, I said I was sorry." Naruto said on his knees. "How was I supposed to know he was my date?"

"Maybe because he looked like he didn't belong at a park." Sai said trying to close the door to his room. "Stop pushing on my door, I need to take a shower!"

"Set me up on another date and I will." Naruto said not moving from the door.

"No, you got Gaara beaten up and put in the hospital." Sai said sliding to his butt as he used his feet as leverage to try and close the door.

"I said I was sorry." Naruto grunted as he moved the door an inch.

"Gaara is no longer talking to me." Sai hissed under his breath. Naruto was strong.

"He never really talked to you before." Naruto said between breaths, "How did you know him anyway?" another inch. Almost, almost.

"We have a class together- hey!" Sai yelled when Naruto pushed the door all the way open.

"Ah!" Naruto yelled as he fell in and landed on his face. "You could have warned me." he grumbled.

"Fine, if I set you up on another date promise me you won't send them to the hospital." Sai demanded glaring.

"Yes, yes, Anything, I just need a date!" Naruto said happily.

"Fine... I have a friend who's going to need a partner for a tournament or something. I'll give her a call and tell her I found someone." Sai said looking for his phone.

"Is it going to be a date?" Naruto asked confused.

"Yes, I- Hey are you still looking for a partner?" Sai asked speaking into the phone. "Great I found one, but he wants it to be like a date... No he's not a perv... He's just looking for his soulmate or something... Yes he'll take you to dinner... Okay I'll let him know... At five? Ballpark? okay I'll tell him. No problem... Okay bye." Sai said hanging up. Turning to Naruto he said, "Okay she agreed, meet her-"

"I already know, thanks Sai!" Naruto yelled slipping on his shoes and running out the door.

"Good luck." Sai smirked, "You're going to need it."

. .B. .D. .

"This is BallPark?" Naruto asked no one as he placed his hands on either side of his waist.

"Hi." a girl said coming up to him dressed like she was ready to go to the army. "I'm Tenten. you must be Sai's friend." she said grinning and holding out her hand.

"Naruto." he said shaking her hand and grinning. "So what are we doing today?"

"We are going hunting." Tenten said grinning and throwing him a suit, "Put this on over your clothes."

"Here?"

"Yes."

So Naruto did as he was told. Minutes later he was ready for war. "So-"

"Here." Tenten said throwing a paintball gun at him. "Let's go."

"Wait I don't know how to use this!" Naruto yelled following her as he tried to keep himself from fumbling his weapon. "I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing!"

"You are going to be my partner in the Annual Paintball Fight Tournament. Then you're taking me to dinner." Tenten said pulling his arm. "Come on soldier! We go in hard and fast. We don't stop until we're dead." she yelled letting go of him and running in through the black metal door.

Naruto gulped before he made his way in.

Hours later he ran out and fell on the floor. His body was covered head to toe in a rainbow of colors. He had bumps and bruises lining his body. He was pretty sure he had a black eye and was missing teeth. How did he lose his mask? He had it one second and then it was gone!

Tenten was a maniac! She was the devil in real life. Every where she went, she went screaming and hitting everything that moved. If Naruto would have knew that he wouldn't have moved. She even stole his gun and shot him until she ran out of paint. Afterwards, she threw it at him and tackled someone else for theirs.

"Oh God! I think I'm dead!"

"Please tell me you don't work here." Naruto asked turning his aching head toward his new found friend with no name.

"No, I came as a favor for my friend. It was supposed to be fun." Watier groaned. "That girl with the buns is a lunatic!"

"I was on her team." Naruto shifted to try and ease the ache that surrounded him.

"Then why was she shooting you?" Waiter asked surprised

"I am the champion!" Tenten cheered holding the trophy over her head as she did a victory dance. Naruto only watched her from his spot on the floor. There was no paint on her. The people behind her weren't so lucky. "I am the Champion! Suck it!" she taunted the other players who only ran away, screaming for their moms.

Naruto and Waiter looked wide eye at eachother before they took off running.

. .B. .D. .

"What happened to you?" Sai asked when he saw Naruto come limping into their apartment. He watched as Naruto slowly and painfully made his way to his room and quietly closed the door.

When his phone rang, Sai looked down at it and saw it was Tenten. "Tenten, what happened to Naruto?"

"I may have shot him once or twice... Or ten... Maybe twenty... Or more." Tenten said going quiet. "Um... am I still getting dinner?"  
"I don't think Naruto's going anywhere for a few days or maybe a year." Sai said honestly.

"Oh... We won." She said suddenly.

"That's nice."

"Tell Naruto we have to do this again." she said before saying goodbye and hanging up.

"I doubt that's going to happen." Sai said looking at the phone before going to the kitchen to get ice.


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Naruto?" Sai tried again knocking on the closed door. "I know you're in there I saw you use the bathroom."

"I'm dead go away." He heard Naruto say.

"If you're dead, how are you talking to me?" Sai asked amused.

"Because I came back to say that... and this now leave me alone, I'm dead!"

"Can I at least say I'm sorry about Tenten... If it helps any, Tenten really likes you."

"She tried to kill me!" Naruto yelled.

"Can we open the door? I really don't want to talk to a door." Sai sighed. "Please?"

Seconds turned to minutes which turned to ten. "Naruto if you don't open this door right now I'll burn your stuffed fox!" Sai threatened.

"You can't kill Foxy!" Naruto shouted as he threw the door open. But unlike other doors where they opened in, Naruto's opened out, which meant that Sai was now slammed into the wall. "Sai?"

"Right here." Sai groaned pushing the door forward as he slid down the wall, "I think I broke my nose."

"No it still looks ugly." Naruto reassured him.

"My nose is ugly?"

"Yep, now what did you want?" Naruto watched him warily not even bothering to help him up or anything.

"I want to set you up on another date." Sai groaned moving his 'ugly' nose around.

"I'm sorry, I think I have wax in my ears. I could have sworn you said you were going to set me up on another date." Naruto laughed.

"I did."

"Did what?"

"I'm going to set you up."  
"What did I ever do to you!" Naruto yelled. "I'm your friend and this is how you treat me!"

"Naruto it's only a date!" Sai yelled back then groaned as his nose moved. Was there blood? There had to be blood. Oh God! Was he bleeding? Feeling under his nose he sighed. Nope no blood.

"I don't want your dates anymore!"

"Why not?"

"Because they are all crazy!"

"Naruto you are going on this date or else." Sai warned.

"You're not the boss of me." Naruto glared.

"Naruto. You. Will. Go. On. This. Date!" Sai yelled only inches from the blond's face.

"Okay, gosh! You don't need to spit on me." Naruto pouted wiping his face with his hand.

"Good." Sai smiled. Moving into Naruto's room he went to the closet. Pulling out a black shirt and black jeans he gave them to the blond. Next he pulled out black shoes. "Put these on and go to Dreams."

"What's Dreams?" Naruto asked confused as Sai left him alone. "Sai, it's like a hundred degrees out there! I'm going to die!"

. .B. .D. .

Naruto sat in the dark building that was called Dreams. All around him were elmos, ghouls and was that a monkey?

Oh wait it was just a hairy guy.

Naruto was sitting in the most lit place of the building and still he couldn't see beyond his own table. Well, he did see but everything was a dark outline and that man was really hairy... Didn't he ever hear of a razor... Oh no it was a she man! Or a really girly sounding guy... Nope it was a guy... Was it a guy?

"You're emo?"

"What? Oh it's you!" Naruto smiled at Waiter. "I'm not an elmo, I have a date."

"With an emo?"

"I don't know..." Naruto was confused. Why would Sai set him up with a dark scary person? "Why are you here?"

"I'm trying something new." Waiter said shrugging.

"What are you trying?"

"If I like wearing black, make-up, impossibly tight revealing clothes." Waiter sighed.

"Do you?"

"Not really."

"Are you having a midlife crises?"

"I'm only 23. A little young for that." Waiter smirked.

"Oh, a younglife crises then?"

Waiter looked at him before blinking and walking off. How rude, he didn't even say good-bye.

"Are you Naruto?"

"Yes I am? Want an autograph?" Naruto turned with a smile ready for his date. Then he saw his date and he just stared. His date was Satan!  
"Why would I want one?"

"Because I'm so hot that you need proof that you saw me." Naruto said seriously. Why wouldn't anyone want his autograph? Why was his date Satan? Did Sai really hate him?

"Idiot."

"Now that was just mean." Naruto pouted. "So who are you?"

"I'm your date."  
"Does my date have a name?" Naruto asked as his 'date' sat down and looked toward the stage.

"Sasuke."  
"No last name?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Because I want to know. Why are you so... Elmo?" Naruto said catching himself before he callled him Satan!

"Elmo? I'm not Elmo." Sasuke glared.

"Yes you are!"

"I'm not a red furry monster!" Sasuke hissed.

"Not that Elmo." Naruto rolled his eyes. And they called him stupid. "Elmo as in you!"

"That's emo, moron!"

Before Naruto could argue that yes Sasuke was Elmo, Satan!, someone appeared on stage.

"Welcome one and all to Dreams."

Vampire. He had to be a vampire. Great he had a date with Satan and now he was meeting Vampires. Maybe he should have followed Waiter out. Dang it! He forgot to guess his name, pouting, Naruto listened to the vampire.

"Let us start the night off with our nightly wishes... First up on our list is Sasuke Uchiha."

The crowed stayed quiet as Sasuke went up to the stage ignoring everything and one.

"Was it so hard to tell me your last name? Bastard." Naruto grumbled and waited to hear what Sasuke would say.

"My dream, my wish, my promise to life and my path leads me only to one point in life." Sasuke said sounding, shockingly, elmo or like Satan!. "One day this would come to pass... I will kill my brother."

Naruto's eyes widen as Sasuke calmly walked off the stage and back to his table.

When Sasuke sat down Naruto gulped and asked, "W-wh-what did your brother do?"

Sasuke stared into his eyes and said, "He stole my Teddy Bear."

"Okay... It was nice meeting you." psyco, "But I'm late for... um.. yeah bye." With that Naruto stood up only to be dragged down.

"But our date just started." Sasuke argued, glaring. "I like you, you like me, let's have man sex."

"As nice as that sounds... No." Naruto said and slapped Sasuke as he tried to feel him up. "Perv!"

"Looks like we got another volunteer. Care to share your wish?" the announcer asked.

"NEVER!" Naruto screeched and ran out of the building.

"Naruto! Come back!" Sasuke yelled chasing him, "We belong together!"

"You're a soon-to-be murderer!" Naruto yelled over his shoulder and took off running faster. So fast he passed his car but there was no way he was going back for it. Later car, I'll see you in the next life, he thought.

"So if I was already a murderer you'd date me?" Sasuke asked picking up speed. "Okay I'll kill my brother for you and Teddy!"  
"Get away!"

. .B. .D. .

Sai was just unlocking the door when Naruto ran into him.

"Hurry up!" Naruto shouted pushing Sai out of the way and forcing the door opened. Pulling Sai inside, he slammed the door and locked it. When someone pounded on the door he ran to his room and slammed the door. "Don't open it!" he shouted baracading his door.

Ignoring Naruto and getting tired of the screeching and banging Sai opened the door and was shocked to see Sasuke, "Why is Naruto running from you?"

"I don't know, I think he's shocked that he's in love with me." Sasuke said between breaths as he bent over holding his side. "Can you tell him I'm here."  
"I think he knows." Sai answered.

"Oh, can I come in?"

"I don't think that's going to happen." Sai gulped at Sasuke's glare, "On second thought... I have something to do." With that Sai left his apartment and ran. Behind him he heard Naruto yelling, "Perv! Go away! That's my special place!"

Should Sai have felt bad leaving Naruto to his doom? Nah, not at all. Naruto had it coming. Sai had nothing to do with it... Besides set up the date... Nope so not his fault. He'd come back tomorrow... or in a week... or month... heck, he could stay with a friend for a year.

With a plan in mind he was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Sai held a plate in front of his body as Naruto got a potato ready to throw at him. "You got away!"

"After he grabbed me!" Naruto yelled throwing another potato. "Do you know how long it took me to get away before he could take my pants off! I had to pretend I was shy so he'd let me go to the bathroom to 'remove my pants'. Do you know how hard it is to fit through that bathroom window!" Naruto yelled getting another potato. "It's hard!"

"If it helps, he really likes you!" Sai ducked and squeezed his eyes when another plate broke behind him.

"He wants to molest me!" Naruto yelled. "He's a nut case out to kill his brother for stealing his teddy bear!"

"That means he's loyal." Sai pointed out.  
"Loyal? You call that loyal! I call that crazy!" Naruto yelled looking for another potato. "Where are the dang potatoes!"

"You threw them at me." Sai said putting the plate down. "Can we talk now?"  
"No. That was the worst date ever! It was worse then crazy grandma and solider nut case combine!" Naruto pouted moving out of the kitchen. "No more dates, I give up!"

"But I have another one planned." Sai said following him.

"No!"

"I promise it'll be safe. You'll be surrounded by flowers and the worst that could happen is being stabbed by a thorn." Sai said sitting cautiously by a pouting blonde. "Come on. Sasuke won't be there."  
"Promise?" Naruto asked glaring.

"Yes." Sai prayed he was telling the truth

"Fine... when is it?"

"Today at two over at the Flowertopia. You have twenty minutes to get there." Sai said grinning.

"Fine. I'm not dressing up!" Naruto yelled putting on his favorite flip flops and stomping out the door.

"I'm so going to regret this." he whispered as he went to clean his kitchen.

. .B. .D. .

Naruto was being a ninja. He was ducking behind garbage cans and under benches. When he was out in the open, he tiptoed slowly before diving behind another object. "So far so good." He grinned proud of himself for being so amazingly stealty. In reality he was anything but. Every time he moved, he knocked something over and when he dived, he scraped his face or his hands. When he hid, his body still showed, be it his butt, hair, hands, feet, or anything he couldn't really hide. It didn't help that he was humming some kind of theme song that sounded like a wounded cat in the middle of giving birth and being ran over all at the same time, nor did it help that people kept looking at him like he was crazy. He had to remember to get his car.

Finally he spotted Flowertopia on the otherside of the road. Holding his breath, he ran full out all the way to the door. The door that was pushed opened and slammed into his face.

"OUCH!" Naruto yelled falling back and rolling from side to side. "My nose! My nose! I was so beautiful! Don't look at me!" He screamed as tears fell out of his eyes.

"Dude, you should watch where you're going." a familar voice said stopping his antics.

"Waiter?" He asked looking up through half closed eyes.  
"Yeah... So how was your emo phase?" Waiter asked helping him up. "Why do your clothes look like they went to war?"

"It was terrible. My date is nuts and he tried to rape me, but me, being the amazing ninja I am, got away." Naruto said as if he didn't just run face first into a door. "The clothes... Um... I was mugged. Yep, mugged. Guy got away after I fought him off."

"Huh, ain't that something." Waiter said not really caring that the blonde was mugged.  
"So what are you doing?" Naruto asked spotting flowers in the guy's hand. "Got a date?"

"What? No, I'm taking them to my mom for her birthday." Waiter said. "Are you on another date?"

"Yeah... I'm kind of freaked out that this date might be a little crazy too." Naruto admitted. "Can you go with me just in case?" he begged falling to his knees and holding on to Waiter's leg. "Please go with me! Don't let me suffer alone!"

"Dude, get off! You're embarrasing me!" Waiter hissed trying to shake him loose. "Let go! Let go!"

"PLEASE!" Naruto cried giving puppy dog eyes. Waiter looked around in a panic as he tried and failed to get free. People were whispering and pointing. He even felt like someone was slowly killing him.

"Fine!"

"YES!" Naruto shouted, turning Waiter around and forcing him back into the building. "So is your name Fred?"

"No."  
"Tom?"

"No."  
"Akon?"

"No."  
"Susan?"

"That's a chicks name." Waiter deadpanned.

"So? Guys can be named Susan."

"No, they can't. It'll be like a fish being named Spot."

"Fish can be named Spot."

"No. Dog's are named Spot. Fish are named... It doesn't matter what their names are! I don't have a chick name!" Waiter yelled glaring at Naruto.  
Naruto nodded and rubbed his chin with one hand as he thought about this. "Katie?"

"NO!" Waiter shouted. "I'm out. As you can see there is no creepy perverted stalker!"

"Come back!" Naruto shouted as Waiter took off and left him alone. "Is it Monty!"

"NO!" and Waiter was gone.

"Dang it. I had a whole list to go through." Naruto pouted before looking around for his next date. Spotting a fellow blonde he walked up to her. "Hey are you my date?"

"That depends are you Naruto?" The blonde asked.

"Yep." Naruto smiled and nodded.

"Then yeah, I'm Ino." Ino smiled and shook his hand. "Now I have our whole date planned-"

"What date would that be?" a very scary deranged voice asked from behind Naruto.

"Oh no." Naruto whimpered before turning around slowly. "...Sasuke..."

"That would be our date." Ino said pulling Naruto's arm her way.  
"Naruto can't go out with you." Sasuke said latching on to Naruto's other arm. "He's already dating me. In fact, we're going out right now. Come on Naruto, I got Teddy back and he wants to meet his new daddy."

"No! Naruto we have a date! You still haven't bought me anything!" Ino shouted pulling his arm again.

"No, Naruto has to meet his son!" Sasuke shouted pulling his other arm.

"He needs to buy me dinner!" Pull.

"He needs to hold his son!" Pull.

"He needs to get me jewelry!" Pull.

"He needs to get butt raped!" Pull and stunned silence.

"What?" Ino and Naruto asked as one as Sasuke smirked joyfully. Taking advantage of the situation he grabbed Naruto and threw him over his right shoulder. Before Naruto could process what was going on Sasuke took off running. Just as he got to the door it opened on his face.

"Whoops." Waiter said as Sasuke fell down. "Dude, the door opens both ways."  
"You saved me!" Naruto shouted getting up and running away. "Bye pervert!"

"He gave me a nickname." Sasuke awed before glaring at Waiter. "You made me lose my boyfriend."  
"Ummmmmmmm...bye!" Waiter shouted and took off running, completely forgetting why he went back to the shop in the first place.

"Naruto!" Sasuke shouted falling to his knees. "Naruto!"

"Great..." Ino pouted. "Want to buy me thing?" She asked Sasuke.

"Can't you see I'm having a moment!" Sasuke shouted before clearing his throat and yelling again.  
"I'll go buy myself stuff then." Ino pouted again before walking around the screaming loony.

. .B. .D. .

"Naruto?" Sai called when the door opened and closed.

"I'm going to bed." Naruto said shutting his bedroom door.

Seconds later Sai's phone went off. "Hello?"

"Sai?" Sasuke's voice came through loud and clear.

"Yeah?"

"Oh, okay." the sound of a clearing throat and then, "Naruto!" over and over again. Sai blinked at his phone before leaving it on the couch and going to bed. In the background Sasuke was still heard yelling.


	9. Chapter 9

**9**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Naruto frowned and frowned and frowned some more. Yet Sai did not leave his room.

"No." he said causing Sai to huff.

"Naruto-"  
"You lied to me! You said Sasuke wouldn't be there and he was! If it wasn't for Waiter, I'd be most likely tied to his bed!" Naruto glared. "Did you know he's telling his Teddy bear that I'm it's new daddy!"

"Really?" Sai blinked in surprise. Who was Waiter? He heard on and off about him but who exactly was he?

"Yes really! And did you have to give him my number! He calls me every five minutes, half the time he puts the stupid bear on the phone to talk to me!"

"Is that anyway to speak about your child?" Sai grinned.  
"There is no way I am the father to a stuffed toy! Do a freaking DNA test and you'll see!"

Sai blinked again. Please say that did not just come out of Naruto's mouth. Maybe all that blonde hair was finally eating away at his brain.

"And another thing-"  
At the sound of knocking Naruto stopped yelling so that he could go and answer it.  
"Yes?" he asked pleasently as if he wasn't shouting and glaring at Sai seconds ago.

"Are you Naruto?" the guy asked.

"Yes? Who are you?"

"I'm Kankuro. I'm your date." Kankuro smiled holding out a rose carved out of wood. "Are you ready?"  
"Let me just grab my coat." Naruto said and then he was gone.  
"What the... Wasn't he just arguing with me about not going on another date?" Sai shook his head and decided maybe he should go get drunk. Only Naruto could drive him to drink.

. .B. .D. .

"So where are we?" Naruto asked as he got out of Kankuro's car and looked at a warehouse that looked like a funhouse.

"We are at Puppet Palace. I decided it would be really awesome if we made puppets!" Kankuro squealed excitedly as he dragged Naruto inside the building.

For the next hour, Naruto was in agony. He constantly cut himself, got blisters or glued his fingers to the table. He was so not going to get into how he glued his butt to his chair. It was a good thing Kankuro had extra pants.

"So Kankuro," he called now wearing safety everything to try and protect his delicate skin. Skin like his did not just happen naturally. "What do you do for a living."  
"You're looking at it." Kankuro said.

"You make puppets?"  
"Yep."

"You brought me to your work for our date!"  
"Yep."

"I see... Well I can't see you anymore. Good-bye." Naruto glared as he stalked off and then froze when he bumped into Gaara.

"Uhhhhh, oh, wow, this is awkward."  
"You put me in the hospital." Gaara glared shoving his cast in Naruto's face. "The hospital! and then I was arrested for being a supposed pedo!"

"Whoops." Naruto gulped and stepped away.

"You are so-"  
"Step away from the fiancé!" Sasuke shouted coming in carrying his teddy bear in a baby sling. Naruto was never so happy to see Sasuke. Then the raven's words registered in his brain. What the heck! When did they get engaged!

"Fiancé? What? He's on a date with me." Kankuro said feeling confused.  
"He put me in the hospital!" Gaara shouted.

"Man, that was you?" Kankuro broke out laughing as he turned to Naruto. "I was wondering who put my brother in the hospital."

"It's not funny!" Gaara glared advancing on Naruto.  
"Shhhh!" Sasuke glared rocking the teddy bear. "He's sleeping. Now Naruto, tell that idiot man you were never on a date with him and come home with me. You'll love what I did to the baby room."

"You're going to marry a nut case?" Gaara asked forgetting he was angry.

"No, he's actually my demented stalker." Naruto explained. "Can't get rid of him. You want him?"

"No. I already have my own stalker." Gaara nodded toward the right where a girl was trying to hide. "That's Matsuri, went on one date with her and now she's crazy."

"Same here." Naruto answered as he watched Matsuri giggle and wave like a looney. "Get rid of mine and I'll get rid of yours?"

"Done." Gaara said turning to Sasuke as Naruto went to Matsuri.  
"Hey, you're Gaara's girlfriend aren't you?"

"Yep. Did he say anything about me? Is he ready to finally marry me? Did he say what color he wanted my dress?"

"Actually he said he found the perfect place for your honeymoon but he wants you to test it out for ten years." Naruto said.  
"Really! Where? I'll go right now!" she smiled excitedly.

"He said it was on the otherside of the world."

"Tell him I'll go right now." Matsuri yelled as she took off running. "I won't let him down!"

"Okay bye bye." and they called him an idiot. Turning to see how Gaara was doing with Sasuke he blinked. Sasuke had him flat on the floor and was stomping on his head while Kankuro was crying over a broken puppet. The teddy bear was still fast asleep in Sasuke's arms.  
Gulping Naruto did the sensible thing and left.

Once outside he took off running. Which turned into jogging seconds later because running was too exhausting. Then he realized jogging was killing him so he started walking. But then his legs hurt so much that he began crawling but then his arms got tired, so he collapsed on the side of the road.

"Hey blondie." Waiter called pulling beside him. "Why are you sleeping on the road? Do you want to get ran over?"

"Waiter!" Naruto shouted jumping in the guy's car. "Take me home!"

"I don't know where you live." Waiter said. "Why are you jumping in a strangers car anyways?"

"You're not a stranger. I know you better then I do my own dates." Naruto rolled his eyes and then gulped when he looked in the rear view mirror. "That way and step on it! Sasuke's coming!" Naruto shouted turning to see Sasuke running after them.

"Crap!" Waiter said before stomping on the gas to get out of there and leave Sasuke in the dust.

"So is your name-"  
"Not again. I'm not named after a girl or a fish or-"

"I get it, I got some good names now." Naruto pouted.

"Fine." Waiter said turning where Naruto told him to.

"Ed?"  
"No."  
"Eddy?"

"No."  
"Edd?"  
"You said Ed already."

"No this was Edd with two d's. Didn't you ever watch cartoons?" Naruto asked before shrugging it off and nameing other names. By the time Waiter dropped him off at home he had went through every A list star and cartoon character he knew. "Next time." Naruto said as Waiter groaned and took off.

Going inside he stopped as he saw a very angry Sai holding his phone. "Tell me why Sasuke is constantly calling me to tell me you abandon your child and your marriage?"

"I did not have sexual relations with that man, and therefore that child is not mine. Nor do I remember getting married." Naruto said before going to his room to think of more names.

Sai groaned as his phone rang again. "Yes Sasuke?"

"Sai, did I also tell you that he was cheating on me! I saw him with my own eyes! My own eyes! I gave him all of me and he does this! We have a child together!" Sasuke yelled.


	10. Chapter 10

**10**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Naruto whistled happily in the shower as he washed his hair. Today was going to be a good day.

How could it not be? The sun was shining. There wasn't a cloud in sight. The birds were flying... Looking out his bathroom window he realized that one would no longer be flying, since it flew into a window.

"Stupid bird." He shook his head and rinsed off the soap.

Ten minutes later he was dressed and making himself breakfast. Where was Sai? "Sai?"

No answer. "Sai? Hello!" Still no answer. This was odd, normally Sai woke up before him.

. .B. .D. .

"Please just stop." Sai begged into his phone. His eyes red and puffy from lack of sleep. "No more, I give up."

"How can you say that?" Sasuke demanded. "I am telling you about mine and Naruto's first child and you don't want to talk to me!"

"You've been talking nonstop about Naruto, Naruto's and your child, Naruto, and did I mention NARUTO!" Sai yelled but it came out like a croak since he had been trying in vane to get Sasuke to shut up for over nine hours. "Why can't you talk to Naruto about NARUTO!"

"Because he turned off his phone." Sasuke explained. "Now let me tell you about what our child is wearing today..."  
"Kill me." Sai begged looking up at his ceiling. "End it all."

. .B. .D. .

Naruto could have sworn he just heard Sai saying his name. Normally he'd go and see what he wanted but since Sai was in his room saying his name, he was not going in there. He so did not want to catch Sai jacking off to his picture. He always had a feeling Sai was a little in love with him. Why else would he set him up on bad dates?

Finishing his breakfast he put the plate in the sink and told himself to remind Sai to wash it later.

"Now, let's see what I have going on today..." Naruto hm'd as he looked over Sai's date book. Sai was a little freaky when it came to planning. Everything was written down from the time he woke up to the time he went to sleep. Naruto bet if he looked closer he'd find the times he used the toilet. "I got a date with a girl named Anko at four," looking at the clock he saw it was three thirty nine. " I might be a little late." writing down the address, he left.

. .B. .D. .

Still in the room Sai was begging for death as Sasuke now went on about what he and Naruto were going to do on their wedding night. Wasn't the guy tired?

. .B. .D. .

"Is this it?" Naruto frowned, when he showed up at the correct address thirty minutes later. The building was a mix of greens that any forest would envy. There was some kind of weird dark colors that he didn't really pay attention to as they formed a name he didn't feel like reading. Beside's who read when they didn't have to? Not him. No sir, no one would ever catch Naruto Uzumaki reading on his free time... unless it was interesting or popped out at him, even then he'd read like a sentence a day. Or if it were in a magazine, he'd take a peek. But other then that he was not reading. Not today anyway.

With a shrug he opened the door and walked in. The place was kind of warm, a bit humid if he was being honest with himself. He'd be sweating pretty soon if he stayed there longer.

"Boo!" Someone shouted jumping out at him. With a scream, Naruto jumped back and screamed again. "Sup! I'm Anko... Are you Naruto?"

"Ye-yeah." Naruto nodded fearfully.

"Good, because the last ten people I scared all ran or tried to attack me and none of them were you... Although there was that guy that screamed and then fainted but I thought he died so I tried to put him in the garbage over there," Naruto turned to a garbage can no bigger then a four year old and about as wide as a basket ball, "But he didn't fit and he woke up when his head got stuck in the hole." Anko went on.

"Okay..." Naruto gulped and promised himself not to faint near her.

"Anyway, let's go have fun on our date. Now I know your past ones weren't that great. Sai told me you had some bad experiances and I promise this one will be top ten of the worst."

"What?" Naruto blinked as he was dragged passed a glass door and into another room.

"Yeah, all my past dates tend to run screaming in fear. I always bring them here and no one makes it passed the first room. Now I know what you're thinking, 'what did Sai get me into', right? Well not to fear, I have a feeling you'll make it to the second room and if you get farther then that I'd be shocked." Anko grinned. "Now hold this." she added tossing a shoe box at him with something making odd noises.

"What's in this?"

"Dinner." Anko answered and went to through another door.

"Who's dinner?" Naruto asked as he shook the box gently. When the thing inside squeaked he held back a whimper and tried not to toss the box.

"Not ours silly." Anko laughed. "It's theirs."

"Theirs?"

At her pointing finger Naruto froze in fear as a giant snake made it's way toward him. The thing was huge, like so huge that it looked like it ate a bus and decided to snack on a plane. He was going to die by a snake!

"Feed it." Anko said.

What was he supposed to feed it? His body? No way, he was very attached to his pretty body. He was too beautiful to die anyway. With him out for the rest of his life, the world would be dimmer and unhappy.

"What?"

Anko rolled her eyes and pointed to the box. When Naruto felt something crawling on his leg he screamed and threw the box at the snake and took off running.

"Wow, he must like snakes. He's already going into the next room." Anko said to herself as she ran after him.

. .B. .D. .

Naruto was going to die. He had just woken up in his worst nightmare. Snakes where everywhere and one was crawling up his leg. No matter how bad he tried to kick it off, it wouldn't budge. "Pervert!" he shouted at the black snake when it began to molest his butt. "God, you must be related to Sasuke!"

. .B. .D. .

Miles away, Sasuke paused as he told Sai about the first time he held Naruto's child in his arms. His Naruto-is-in-trouble-senses were going off. "Sai I have to go, we'll pick this up later." Grabbing his son and putting him in his sling he took off to find his hubby. Yes hubby, Sasuke decided to skip the ceremony and go straight to the fun stuff.

. .B. .D. .

"Wow, you are something you made it to the last room." Anko cheered. "I think we're meant to be!"

"Please get me out of here." Naruto whispered as snakes covered him from head to toe. Only his face was untouched and the perverted snake was trying to crawl into his pants.

"What's that? You want a shot of beer?" Anko blinked. "Well okay, normally I don't allow beer in here but I'll go see if I can find some." Then she was gone.

"Come back." Naruto whimpered. What was that going into the front of his underwear?

"Naruto! I'll save you!" he heard someone yell and then the snakes went flying. Seconds later Naruto found Sasuke wrestling with the snake that he had named 'Pervy Sasuke' as the teddy bear slept on in his sling. "Run my love!"

Naruto didn't have to be told twice. Without second thought he ran and ran and ran right passed Anko and out the door.

Then he saw something he'd never thought to see, Waiter eating a hotdog. "Save me!" Naruto shouted running at him.

"Hey!" Waiter growled as hit hot dog went up his nose. "Get off!"

"Snakes, everywhere, in my pants..." Naruto said with wide eyes.

"Snakes?" Waiter blinked and looked toward the building Naruto ran out of 'Reptial Park'. "Please say you weren't in there."  
"Yes." Naruto nodded.

"Please say you didn't go on a blind date with Anko."

"Yes."

"Please say you didn't run the wrong way."

"Yes."

"Did you meet the pervert black snake."

"Yes." How did Waiter know about all of this?

"You poor demented sucker." Waiter shook his head in sympathy. "Went in there last week for a date. Figured I'd give it a try. Anko popped out of nowhere and scared the crap out of me and then I ran the wrong way."

"How did you get out?" Naruto asked as they quickly left the sight.

"How did you get out?"  
"Sasuke saved me."

"I...don't want to talk about." Waiter finally said.

"Pervy Sasuke got you didn't he?" Naruto asked.

"What?"

"The black snake." Naruto answered. "So did he call after your one night stand?"

"Shut up!" Waiter glared and stomped off.

"He didn't did he?" Naruto shouted after him.

"Naruto." At the sound of his name he turned to meet Sasuke with his clothes all torn and half gone.

"What the..."

"I beat up the black snake but I need to go back in. Hold our son." Sasuke said and handed over teddy. Turning back the way the snakes were he shouted, "TO WAR!" And took off again.

"Nutty peanuts for brains." Naruto said and with the bear in his arms, he walked home.

. .B. .D. .

"Sai? What happened to you?" Naruto asked.

"I've been up all night begging Sasuke to shut up and when he finally does I get a call from Anko in jail telling me she's in there because some moron raven attacked her babies and then I get a call from Sasuke telling me a snake molested you and so you cheated on him again and that to tell you Teddy's bed time is at seven and his diaper needs to be changed every two hours. He also likes to drink green tea before he goes to sleep and he has the sniffles." Sai said looking like crap as he layed on the living room floor facing up. He was not ready to move.

"Man kids are so hard to take care of, I think I need to get a divorce. Poor teddy, your papa is a loony but daddy Naruto will take care of you." Naruto grumbled and took off to his room with the bear.

"It's not real you idiot!" Sai shouted.


	11. Chapter 11

**11**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Naruto watched as Sai paced around the lenght of the living room for the seventh hundred and ninth, wait, tenth time. Marking it down on a random piece of paper that said 'Do not write on' Naruto turned his gaze at Sai again.

"I'm getting a new number," Sai was muttering to himself, "Sasuke is nuts, telling me about teddy bears and nonexistant love and marriages. Everyday, another call about something stupid that his dumb idiot brain doesn't seem to get is not real. Then there is everyone else. I can't deal with this. Maybe I should move and change schools? Can I do that in the middle of a semester? Or addresses! Yes I'll move-"

"You can't move." Naruto said as he marked down two more lines.

"Why not?" Sai demanded pulling on his hair. "Look at me I'm a mess. I can't eat, sleep, use the bathroom. Before, nothing bothered me. I lived my life unaware of stress and annoyances. NOW THAT IS ALL I HAVE! I mean, I'm jittery like I'm drinking coffee twenty four seven. My schedual-"

"Not that your self history isn't important," Naruto cut him off as he flipped on the tv, "The reason you can't move is because you signed a year lease. You still have six more months to go and if you break it, they can sue you. Hey look, that bear is dancing."

"NO!" Sai screamed as he fell to his knees. "Why me!"

"Why you? You mean, why me? Hello, you've set me up on dates that suck arse. I have went from bad to worse to borderline insane!" Naruto shouted. "I think we should call this whole thing off. Pretend it never happen-"

"NO!" Sai shouted looking like a crazy clown. "You will go on every one of these dates that I have set up and you will keep going until I run out of people. One of them is bound to be your future and take this mess out of my hair! I will not deal with Sasuke anymore!"

"Gosh, you're scary. Maybe you should take a pill or something." Naruto said watching the crazy raven advance on him.

"Put your shoes on and leave, if you're not here, Sasuke won't come here. Go to the river walk."

"Why?"

"Because your next date is there!" Sai shouted before muttering to himself about idiots and how they ruined his life before walking out of the room.

Not one to be stupid, for the most part, Naruto grabbed his shoes and hightailed it out of there.

. .B. .D. .

Look at the lovely view. Too bad Sai couldn't see this. He was missing some pretty stuff. Maybe he should call him...

"What's up blondie?" Waiter said moving to stand beside him.

"Hey Waiter, whatcha doing?" Naruto asked meeting his new found, NOT, insane friend.

"I need to relax. Got a call from a friend of mine... I think he's going crazy which is weird because he is anything but crazy." Waiter shrugged. "So I came here and yep, that's my story... Are you sleeping?" he demanded as he smacked Naruto on the back of the head.

"What? No, I was, hearing with my eyes closed." Naruto said quickly.

"You were snoring!" Waiter huffed before turning and stalking off.

"I'll see you later... Scooby? Shaggy? Velma? Fred?" Naruto said quickly before Waiter could disappear. "What was the last girls name?" Before he could think of it, a green blur appeared. "OMG! A booger!"

"What? Nonsense, I am a runner, my youthful companion! Allow me to indroduce myself as Lee!" The green booger posed. "I am searching for my youthful date Naruto! So that we may run the trail of love! Have you seen him!" brighter pose.

Oh gods, not me. Not me! "He went that way." Naruto pointed quicky in a random direction.

"Are you sure! From the description I got, you look like my date!" Lee said still posing.

"Nope, I get that a lot. I think he went that way." Naruto said pointing in another direction.

"But my youthful, now dementedly, but youthfully so friend Sai said that Naruto was blonde with blue eyes!" Lee went on with an even bigger smile.

"My hair isn't blonde." Naruto said freaking out.

"But it looks-"

"It's yellow. Completely different color. Now Naruto, the one you're looking for, has blonde hair and he went that way!" another random direction. "I remember now, he said he had to use the bathroom."

"But the bathrooms are that way!" Lee pointed the opposite of Naruto.

"Then you better go get him before he goes in his pants. Blondes, they aren't the brightest ones alive." Naruto sighed pushing Lee toward another completely different way.

"You said he went that way-"

"Nope this way. Now go before he has an accident!" Naruto said and pushed Lee.

"Thank you my youthful friend!" Lee shouted and took off screaming for Naruto.

"Safe." Naruto said doing a little jig.

"Who was that man hitting all up on you!" Sasuke demanded with the teddy bear in a sling around his chest. "Were you cheating on me again!"

"Nooooo." Naruto said quickly and shook his head from side to side. "He... He was hitting on me and... I said I had a kid? And stuff?" holy crap he was going to die by Sasuke and his teddy bear son was going to watch. "You should give me the bear and go beat him down."

"Good idea." Sasuke said and handed over the bear and then to Naruto's shock, he pulled out a bunch of other stuff that Naruto had no idea where he got it from. By the time Sasuke was done, Naruto was buried. "Take care of Teddy." Sasuke said before running off screaming for death.

"I'm sure he was a blonde in another lifetime." Naruto said as he grabbed everything and returned home.

Where he found Sai waiting by the door. "Why is Lee calling me from the hospital and telling me about some random guy jumping him from behind and yelling, 'Not my man, you man snatcher'?"

"I have no idea." Naruto said. "Look who came to visit." handing Teddy over, he went on. "I need to use the bathroom. Can you watch him? Thanks!"

When Naruto ran toward the bathroom, Sai looked at Teddy. "Does this mean I'm crazy if I'm talking to you because I think you're starting to look real?" not getting an answer, Sai took that as a no.


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

"Sai?" Naruto called going through all of the rooms in their apartment for the sixth time. "Sai? Okay this game of hide-n-seek, that I'll remind you, you didn't tell me we were playing, is getting annoying."

Not getting an answer, Naruto moved back to the living room, sat on the couch, and pouted. In the blank tv screen in front of him, he made out something green on his forehead.

What the...

Reaching up he pulled the sticky note off his forehead, wondering why he didn't see it earlier. Although it now made sense why he kept seeing green out of one eye, he thought he was gaining superpowers or something. Oh how wrong he was, he pouted sadly.

'Naruto, you idiot, I'm not home. I am in therapy now. So I know when you find this it's going to be about twelve' looking up Naruto realized it was almost twelve... WOW! 'so you need to go to the beach. Your date, Temari, will meet you there. Signed a very stressed out Sai. P.S. I got your car back.'

After nodding and rereading it a few times, Naruto concluded that Sai liked to ramble and that he had to be like a god or something by guessing the right time. Maybe Sai could tell him where he put his sandwich from yesterday.

"Okay, what do I need for the beach?" Naruto wondered outloud as he moved to his room. Moments later, he packed his whole room. As he tied his mattress to the roof of his car, he nodded pleased. "Mom always did say it's good to be prepared." Getting in, he drove off.

Thirty minutes later, he parked his car on the empty beach because he was not walking all the way here from the parking lot ten feet away. Imagine the unneeded exercise.

"Why is there a bed frame and other stuff stuck all over your car?" someone asked coming up to him in swimtrunks and a surfboard in hand. "Your car looks like it's going to fall apart."

"Waiter!" Naruto shouted happily as he glomped him. "How I've missed you! I haven't seen you for days! How are you!"

"Let go of me." Waiter grunted out as he slowly turned different colors. "Can't breathe!"

"You forgot how to breathe?" Naruto said in surprise as he let the man go to floop to the floor. "It's easy, you just take a breath like this and-"  
"I know how to breathe!" Waiter shouted from the ground.

"Then why did you ask?" Naruto asked in confusion.

"I...I'm not even going there. What are you doing here with your whole bedroom?"  
"I'm meeting a date here, she's supposed to meet me." Naruto explained as he looked around for Temari. "But I don't see her... Is your name Temari?"

"What? No, why would- DO I LOOK LIKE A GIRL!" Waiter shouted as he gestured to himself.

"Well you have firm man boobies." Naruto frowned as he thought about this.

"I do not have boobies!" Waiter gasped as he looked down at his flat chest. "This is all male!"

"Okay, okay I was just asking. No need to get angry." Naruto pouted as tears came forth.

"You're not going to cry are you?" Waiter asked cautiously as he stood up and dusted the sand off.

"No." Naruto said as tears fell.

"Aw man don't cry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." Waiter panicked when Naruto only began crying more. "Look why don't you guess my name? You like guessing my name right?" When that didn't work Waiter looked around frantically. "Come on guess."

"Is it Fred?" Naruto asked.

"That is the third time you asked me that and I've said no! My name isn't Fred!" Waiter snapped and then facepalmed when Naruto started crying again. "Please stop crying! I'm begging you!"

"Why is my husband crying?" Came a very scary voice from behind Waiter.

"It wasn't me!" Waiter said quickly as he turned to find Sasuke in beach wear. He had a giant hat, big sunglasses with a dab of white on his nose. He wore a blue shirt and white swim trunks. The Teddy Bear was dressed the same.

"He-He-He-He says his name isn't Fred!" Naruto sobbed.

"You monster!" Sasuke shouted and before Waiter knew it, he was flying backward. Before he could sit back up, he heard the car turn on and zoom off. Next thing he knew, sand came flying at him along with a lone rock.

"You okay?" Someone asked as they helped him up.

"I don't know. I think I gotta stop going places." Waiter said as he turned to face the girl who looked like she got into a cat fight. Her blonde hair was going everywhere as sand covered her whole body. "What happened to you? Who are you?"

"I'm Temari and I was waiting here for my date, Naruto, to show up. When out of nowhere this evil looking raven and his teddy bear clone attacked me and buried me under the sand with a straw sticking out so I can breathe." she said pointing to a hole a few feet away. "Gaara was right, I shouldn't go on blind dates anymore. They're dangerous."

"Gaara?" Waiter frowned.

"Yeah, my brother. He and my other brother, Kankuro, also went on a blind date but they both ended up in the hospital because of the dates." Temari nodded fearfully. "Can I catch a ride with you?"

"Don't you have a car?"

"It got buried beside me." Temari answered in awe as she pointed to another spot.

. .B. .D. .

"I'm home!" Naruto shouted as he finally escaped Sasuke's house. Why he let the raven drive them to his house, Naruto wasn't sure. All he knew was his stuff was over there, along with his car. It was a good thing he was so ninja like. "Oh man I forgot to say good bye to my son."

Dialing Sasuke up, he waited.

"Why is my roof caved in over the living room?" Sasuke said as he answered.

"Well when I went out your bedroom, I tripped and went face first."

"So why is there a hole in my wall?"

"Well, as I fell, I bounced back up and crashed, butt first into the wall."

"And why is my door completely gone?"

"You got me on that one. I have no way to explain what happened." Naruto said, remembering the door go flying off when he turned the knob. "Anyway, Can I talk to my son, I forgot to say good-bye."


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Sai nodded quicky, his hair going every which way as he squeezed a stress reliever over and over again, one in each hand. So far he had gone through eight of them, but was it his fault he had so much stress? NO! It was Naruto's! That blonde, idiot, moron, man-barbie, with stupid eyes and stupid tan was the cause of this all! Ever since he agreed, all those months ago, to help Naruto, Sai had nothing but stress! He was swimming in it!

It was at the point where all his clothes were wrinkled and he knew he was in need of a bath! Worst of all, he was growing a beard! A beard! How does a person-who had never grown hair on his chin or cheeks even if he tried-grow a beard! And it wasn't a nice beard either, it was a beard that made lions envious or fearful, depending on which one you asked.

Pacing around the room wasn't helping, so deciding to sit, Sai gingerly sat at the edge of the couch and tried counting to ten but that soon turned into mumbling and curses at Naruto and then Sasuke. Sasuke was another pain in his backside. The raven, possessive, delusional, caotic maniac was sending everyone to the hospital! And Sai was losing discounts and coupons to stores he met these friends/future hosptial patients. And his wallet was getting thinner with all the get well cards and flowers he kept sending.

"Okay, who have I gone through..." he said outloud, standing to pace because the couch just wasn't doing it. "Hinata fainted and I still owe her twenty dollars, gotta pay that back. Stupid Naruto. Shikamaru but Naruto thought he was dead, and I would hate to freak out Naruto anymore if he saw him again, might think the dead is coming back. Tsuande, god what do I say for that? I'm just thankful she still doesn't remember. Naruto thought Gaara was a pedo or something...which reminds me to take Orochimaru off the list, no telling what he's going to do to him and I really don't want to stop going to Sushi! I'm only one punch away from getting a free drink. Tenten will kill him and I really don't want a dead roommate, otherwise who'd pay his half of the rent? Then came Sasuke...biggest mistake of my life! How did I ever think he was sane? And now he has Naruto believing he's a dad to a teddy bear! Then Ino, which might have worked because they are both idiots...then again, we don't need more of those, so Sasuke was okay on stopping that one."

Nodding to himself some more, he frowned in annoyance as another of his stress relievers popped. Tossing that one on the pile near the door he grabbed another from a box and started again. "Kankuro ended up in the same hospital as Gaara, so that was a fail. Anko is destined to remain alone...maybe I'll send Orochimaru her way, he likes snakes too, especially his own...oh god, I must be bat shit crazy, I'm talking about Orochimaru's privates!" keep going, moving on, "Uh who came next? Lee came next and went just as quickly. He called me unyouthful and apologised about calling me that. Temari, shouldn't have used her, now I won't get a discount on that fan I wanted...Who's left...Hidan? No, he'd probably sacerfice Naruto or something, cause I'm pretty sure that happened to the last guy I sent on a date with him. Um, Deidara? No he'd blow Naruto up by accident and whistle as he innocently walked away. Haku? No, I can't lose Haku, the guy is my free ticket to the water amusement park, not to mention he'd probably kill me later for having to deal with Sasuke! Who? Who do I put that can handle Sasuke-I got it!"

With that, Sai reached for his phone and made a quick call. If he sounded a bit crazy, then who cared, he was only a few dates away from going completely bonkers.

. .B. .D. .

Naruto sat in a booth in the corner of the pizza shop. Sai had woken him up with his crazy mumbling. Then when Naruto got up to tell him to shut up, the crazy man had dragged him into the bathroom and pushed him into the tub, cleaning him up! Which sucked because Naruto still had his pajamas on and still wore them even now. Sai had dressed him before he could change!

With a bored sigh, Naruto's eyes landed on the salt and pepper shaker. Looking both ways innocently, he grabbed both of them and then stood them a few inches apart from eachother, his fingers barely grasping the tops. "I won't give up on you." he said, shaking the salt shaker, "You're my best friend!" in another voice, more high pitched and whiny he said, "You are nothing to me! NOTHING! DIE! DIE! DIE!" with that he rushed the pepper shaker at the salt and made them clash, making jedi noises as he did so.

"Dinner and a show." Someone said in a smooth velvet like voice.

With a start, Naruto jumped, dropping both shakers before quickly putting them back in place. Seeing the mess he created, he dusted it together and pushed it to the floor. "Hi! I'm Naruto-AH PERVERT!" he shouted seeing Sasuke standing above him.  
"Hn." Came the bored reply, "I am Itachi Uchiha. Since I have yet to meet you before, nor you I, your accusations are unwanted...however if you do feel inclined to be molested, I still will not molest you."

"Why not? I'm molestable!" Naruto argued as Itachi sat across from him.

"Appearance wise, I agree, but once you spoke, I lost all interest. Now I'm only here simply because I was kindly asked," if he could call it that, "and because my brother shows interest in you since your date, and I wish to see who has him seeing stars. Or going even more crazy then he already is."

"Who's your brother?" Naruto frowned unable to piece it together.

"Sasuke." Itachi said.

"What about Sasuke?"

"He's my brother."

"Who's your brother?"

"Sasuke." Itachi said with a hint of annoyance.

"Sasuke what?"

"Is my brother."

"How am I supposed to know who your brother is if you don't tell me!" Naruto pouted.

"Sasuke is my brother!" Itachi practically shouted.

"Why didn't you say so?" Naruto said with a sigh of annoyance. "Did you know he's stalking me! He says that Teddy is mine, but I'm starting to add things up in my head, and I just can't see it. I mean, the bear doesn't even look like me. He's brown with black button eyes, and a white belly, but that could be from both sides of our ancestors, genetics does strange things over time. But there is one thing that just doesn't make me believe. Do you want to know what that is? He wears a bow tie! I do not! Look! Do you see me wearing one? Noooooo!"

"So the fact that he's a _stuffed teddy bear_ does nothing to make you question parenthood?" Itachi asked in disblief.

"I-"

"ITACHI!" Sasuke shouted appearing out of nowhere, Teddy firmly in hand. "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY MAN!"

"Sasuke, please lower your voice, it's grating on my eardrums." Itachi said smoothly, fixing the sleeves on his long sleeved shirt.

"I told you Naruto was married to me! See this is why you weren't invited to the wedding!"

"Such a shame." Itachi answered dryly, "And I was so heartbroken over that."

"Hn." Sasuke glared, pushing Naruto over to sit next to the blonde idiot, who went back to making the pepper and salt shakers fight. Apparently Naruto had become accustomed to Sasuke in his life.

"Hn."

"HN!"

"Hn."

"HN! HN! HN!"

"Hn."

"HN-Naruto leave those shakers alone and tell Itachi you are not interested in him!" Sasuke snapped, smacking the blonde on the back of the head.

"Sasuke is that any way to treat your beloved in front of your, hm, child?" Itachi chuckled.

"Sasuke!" Naruto whined, "When did you get here? Oh look, you brought Teddy!"

"Of course I did moron, I didn't have a babysitter, nor do I want one. Last time I left him with someone, they tossed him in the toy box!" Sasuke glared at Itachi.

"I meant to throw the other one in." Itachi said smoothly as Naruto tried to run away and failed to do so with Sasuke holding him in place. "Sasuke, this date was set up by Sai and you are ruining it. Please shoo and glare from," looking around Itachi pointed, "that corner while we start our meal-"

"No! Naruto is mine! Naruto hold our son!" Sasuke said handing the teddy bear over to the blonde cooing idiot. "Itachi you'll die!"

"Look at the time, I have to go to work now." with that Itachi bid goodbye to both and walked out calmly, ignoring the little yapping dog at his heels, or brother as the case was. After all, he had only come due to curiosty and that curiosty was slowly being beaten by annoyance. "Sasuke try not to bite my shoes, they're expensive."

. .B. .D. .

"How was Itachi!" Sai shouted, pouncing on Naruto as he came in, a crazed look in his eyes. Naruto had been gone all day, so that had to be a good sign, right?

"He didn't even buy me food!" Naruto said, pouting as he moved away. "Oh look, Teddy's here."

"Teddy?"

"Yeah Sasuke came by and left Teddy with me. We've been bonding all day. Went to the park, then the movies, and finally went out for ice cream. Little booger tired himself out." Naruto whispered as he cradled the little bear away in his arms. "And I didn't even see Waiter! He's messing with tradition!"

"Sasuke chased Itachi away...NO!" Sai screamed as his fool proof plan failed. If Itachi was gone, who was left? He only had two more names! Two! He had to get rid of Sasuke before he ran out or else Sasuke was there to stay! "NOOOOOOO!"


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

"Are you going to kill me?" Naruto asked warily as he sat in the passenger seat, a potato sack over his head. It was itchy but he was afraid to scratch his nose again, especially with the driver making those weird demonic like noises.

What had happened to Sai? His roommate was a weirdo. Perhaps it's time to set him free, Naruto thought to himself, all birds need to leave the nest anyway. With that thought in mind, he thought of ways to kindly tell Sai he was being kicked out. Would putting his bags outside the door be too forward?

Wait, he needed a roommate before he could get rid of Sai. No way was the rent falling squarly on his shoulders! He could barely afford to pay the one hundred and fifty dollars he paid now. He had needs... and if those need ran toward his sticker collection, so what? He liked stickers, especially the ones that changed when you tilted them. He really liked those.

"I'm not going to kill you." Sai said evenly.

"Are you sure? Cause you have a very scary fuzzy face-"

"It won't go away okay!" Sai snapped. "I broke all of my razors, the scissors, the house knives, and even the neighbors garden cutter! It won't get off my face! I even tried to set it on fire, but the fire sounded like it was screaming everytime it got near my face!"

"Why are you wearing a flannel shirt? Are you going to be a mountain man?" Naruto asked next, not really one for Sai's rambling. Everything he said just went right over Naruto's head.

"Because my clothes hasn't seen the inside of a washer in months! I am not wearing clothes that stink."

"No offense but you stink." Naruto pointed out. "And this bag smells like potatoes. Do ya think they're Idaho Potatoes? I hear they're the best kind. Course I eat them, so I'm sure they are the best-"

"I don't care about potatoes!" Sai growled as he braked hard, unbuckled Naruto's seatbelt, opened Naruto's door and kindly, not so much, pushed him out. Without waiting to see if he was okay, Sai sped off. If this date went bad, Naruto would take forever to get back home and Sai would be free of both him and the raven idiot for the rest of the day.

With a pout on his face, Naruto stood up and looked around, frowning when everything still looked brown. Did Sai drive him to the desert? He wondered as he scratched his head. "Stupid me." He giggled as he pulled the bag off his head only to shriek in fear and pull the bag back down.

"Naruto?"

"Nope, no one by that name." Naruto said quickly. "In fact, no one is here. This is all in your head."

"I see." the woman before him said, tearing the bag off his head, pulling strands of Naruto's hair free.

"Hey now, I need hair! How else am I going to look hot! I'm not shampooing and conditioning my hair to have bald spots!" Naruto snapped as he gazed up and up and up some more, meeting the green eyes of the big muscled chick before him.

"You're cute but annoyingly loud." the girl said.

"I am not annoying! Nor cute!" Naruto pouted, stomping his foot and crossing his arms. "I'm a stud!"

With a laugh, the girl-monster held out her hand. "I'm Sakura."

Shaking her hand was the worst mistake of Naruto's life. The grip she had on him brought him to tears as he fell to his knees. Not that Sakura noticed since she turned around and pulled him inside the building that was behind her. The only thing Naruto could do was silently cry as he was dragged inside and forced to lay on a bench. The next thing he knew, he was upside down, his legs wiggling like worms in the air as he tried to push the metal bar away from his body.

"Hmmm, maybe we should start smaller." Sakura said, hands on her hips, her arms bulging with muscles.

"That... would... be... best." Naruto gasped as Sakura lifted the bar one handed easily. He was so never having kids with her if they ended up married. Heck, she'd probably end up being the man in their relationship. Naruto could just see his future. Him wearing a little sun dress with an apron as he made dinner and cleaned the house. He'd probably have a cat to keep him company. Then Sakura would come home in a suit with a brief case and say, "Honey I'm home! What's for dinner?" and Naruto would reply, "I cooked you a hippo, I hope it's enough for you, dear." Then he'd struggle with the hippo, dragging it inch by inch to the table. And by the time he got it on the table, he'd be weak and unable to move. Then Sakura would eat the hippo and ask, "What's for dessert?" and Naruto would say, "I didn't make dessert." Then Sakura would go evil on him and Naruto would end up in the hospital telling the police he fell down his nonexistant stairs.

"You okay?" Sakura asked, "You kind of faded out for a while."

"Fine!" he said quickly, fearfully watching her as she moved to stand in front of a mirror and began lifting weights, that weighed as much as he did, one in each hand.  
"Dear...um, crap who do people pray to? Man? Yeah, man. Dear Man, please don't let me be married to Sakura. I'll even sacerfice Sai's car if I have too!" Naruto whispered.

"What did you say?" Sakura grunted as she moved the weights with ease.  
"I said, um, errr...yeah..." Naruto said vaguly.

"Huh... here you try." Sakura said handing him one weight. Before Naruto could tell her not to let go, she let go and he face planted down to the earth. "I'm going to bench press some, can you put that away when you're done?" She asked as she walked off.

"Su-re. No problem!" Naruto grunted, turning red as he tried to lift the weight and got no where. Crouching, he tried lifting with his legs but got nowhere. He tried pushing the weight, but it didn't move an inch. Pulling did nothing but pull out his back. Taking a breath, he tried lifting it again, getting it an inch off the ground.

"What are you doing?"

"Waiter!" Naruto shouted, releasing the weight without thinking.  
"AHHHHHH!" Waiter screamed. "MY FOOOOOOOOOT!"

"Oh, that... you should put some ice on that." Naruto whispered, but he doubted Waiter heard with the way he was going on and on, and bringing everyone running over to them. Gosh one would think he shot him.

"Naruto! It took a while but I finally found you! Is this the one you're cheating on me with!" Sasuke shouted as he appeared before him, Teddy firmly held against his hip, wearing a cute little sailor outfit.

"No, my date's over there." Naruto pointed, trying to ignore Waiter's screams of agony, and the ten people trying to lift the weight off his foot and getting nowhere. Gosh, Waiter sure loved the sound of his own noise.

"Where, I'm going to kill... it's not that pink hulk is it?" Sasuke asked cautiously.

"Yeah, that's her." Naruto said, as both watched Sakura not only bench press the bar and weights, but the man on the bench and the bench itself, using only one hand to do it.

"You know what... Teddy has a doctor's appointment and I don't want to be late." Sasuke said, deciding that some battles were best left alone. "Have fun!"

"Wait! You can't leave me here! She's going to be a terrible husband! She's going to abuse me!" Naruto shouted in fear as Sakura switched her weights to the other hand with ease. "She's going to leave me washing all her dirty jockstraps, and her nasty crusty undies! Then I'm going to be forced to scrub around the toilet, if there's one left when she's done! Take me with you!"

"Are you kidding? She's going to kill me!" Sasuke said as he quickly moved to his car and strapped Teddy in his car seat. Just as he jumped behind the wheel, Naruto was buckling himself in the passenger's seat. "Hey-"

"We'll get married and have all the _imaginary_ butt sex you want!" Naruto said, surprising the raven, the desperation making Naruto say whatever to get him out of there. He wanted to be gone before Sakura took him home and made him her, excuse him for cursing but it was needed, bitch.

"Promise?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes! What are you waiting for? Go! Go! Go!" Naruto screamed at him, making Sasuke jump and slam on the gas. This almost seemed familiar.

Back in the gym, Waiter was being lifted onto a stretcher and Sakura was still unaware of anything, not even the man begging to be put down so he could go home.

"Naruto, can you bring me that weight?" Sakura called out to him, pointing to a weight the size of a car near the wall. "Naruto?"

. .B. .D. .

"Sai, I'm home!" Naruto shouted as he, Sasuke, and Teddy went into the apartment.

"Sasuke!" Sai screamed when he saw the three of them, falling to his knees. This couldn't be happening. Sasuke was still here? That couldn't be right! Sakura couldn't have failed!

"Guess what, Sasuke's going to live with us! Isn't that exciting?" Naruto said happily.

Live with them. His nightmares had become real. So real that no amount of pinching would wake him.

"Wait! I have one more person!" with that, he moved to his phone and dialed a number. When the person finally answered, all Sai could hear was screaming. After the screaming faded, Sai warily said, "Kakashi? You there?"

"I'm going to kill him!" Kakashi shouted in agony before hanging up.

Stunned, Sai realized that his last resort was no longer available. And as he looked toward his couch, he just wanted to cry. Sasuke was really there to stay... "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooo!"

"Naruto, can you put out the wookie? It probably needs to go to the bathroom."

**A/N: Couldn't figure out how to end this, so I figured this was as good as it was going to get. Anyone get Waiter right?**


End file.
